ATVs and morons add up to money for Kane County

Quick – somebody get me a radar gun and a ticket book

At 57, I am entering a phase of my life when most people reflect on where they have been and where they are going.

In our case, we have found time to have a second home in Southern Utah, where the people are friendly and the country is beautiful. And exploring the many areas of Southern Utah can be done via relaxing and slow rides on ATVs, which almost offer a level of therapy.

However, yet another benefit as it relates to ATVs is that while Kane County is reportedly running short on funds, I have the ideal solution to correct the deficit. We have all noticed that while property values decline, property taxes are going up, which leads us to believe that Southern Utah needs money.

But the political types need not worry. While the economy has continued to decline, Kane County could be on the verge of record revenues.

You see, while many of us value our time outdoors and respect the feelings of others, there is a growing number of morons who think ATVs are ideal for running at Mach I speeds while generating unnerving noise levels and putting others in danger.

If you’re a law enforcement officer, all you need is a ticket book and a tow truck for impounding dirt bikes, quads and three-wheelers piloted by buffoons. Get yourself an impound yard to start counting the funds generated through the auction of ATVs.

One particular incident sticks in my mind. While standing on a dirt road in Duck Creek, I was horrified by the sight of a man on a three-wheeler running at least 50 mph – with a four-year-old little boy on the front of the ATV (no helmet).

It was at that point that I knew instantly I should have been a law enforcement officer since I instantly began waving my arms to make the guy slow down. Stunned that the little boy had no helmet while the rider attempted to set land speed records, I couldn’t wait to interrogate the offender.

The guy actually stopped the ATV and apologized for his actions as the little boy sat terrified atop the three-wheeler. If I had been a Kane County
deputy sheriff, the bill for this guy to get out of hawk would have added hundreds of dollars to a coffer crying for help.

Simply put, the violations of ATV riders are plaguing areas of Southern Utah, especially Duck Creek and the surrounding area. Those who enjoy a nice quiet ATV ride are being victimized by frustrated motocross competitors who seem more intent on not only ruining the environment but putting people’s lives in jeopardy at the same time.

And it’s only a matter of time before all of us are forced to park our ATVs thanks to environmentalists who are going to eliminate our fun. Unfortunately, tree-huggers who have already shut down wilderness areas are about to padlock the gates of Southern Utah – and you can thank those who have abused Southern Utah for the latest possible move.

But before we’re all forced to sell our ATVs and replace our recreation with nature walks, somebody needs to encourage Kane County to first capitalize on the situation. I mean, with a declining economy, Kane County has the opportunity to capitalize on a financial windfall thanks to the brainless bastion of ATV riders hell-bent on ruining the environment and killing people at the same time.

Quick, somebody get me a radar gun, a ticket book and one of those badges that make me look like one of those big, mean highway patrolmen who arrive at your vehicle with “cha-ching” written all over their lapels.

You see, in some communities in Las Vegas, citizen patrols ticket everything from pizza deliverymen to postal workers and residents – and the homeowners associations happily collect the fines.

We don’t need to increase our dues when ATV riders can offset our need for funding. The only urgency is based on the fact that we had better get started before the tree-huggers take away our ability to generate revenue.

Mike Henle is a Las Vegas-based freelance writer and the author of “Through the Darkness: One Man’s Fight to Overcome Epilepsy.” He can be contacted via email at mhenle@aol.com or through his web site www.mikehenle.com